Get Well Cards For Buddy
by Orange Sodie
Summary: The best and worst things in life often happen during sex... R, V, C, E


**Title:** Get Well Cards For Buddy  
**Author: ** Caro  
**Rating**: R  
**Characters: **Ryan, Valera, Calleigh, Eric  
**Spoilers**: None  
**Author's notes**: I have to write 49 more of these. Oh, God. Challenge at the csi50 LiveJournal community. I don't know if I'll post all the fics here, but just in case, all of them will be at my journal: sombras-azules. Enjoy.

0-0

The best and worst things in life often happen during sex. 

The best thing, of course: the sex itself, the greatness of which is sometimes intensified by an _I love you_ (if you're a romantic), or a _you're the best lover I've ever had_ (if your self-esteem is running on fumes) or even an _I won't charge you for this one_ (if you're a frequent costumer).

The worst thing, or so Ryan found recently: a popping sound.

Every once in a while, Valera pulls a double shift. It makes her dull. It makes her quiet and tired, and sometimes when she's tired, Valera lets Ryan be on top. It's a rare occurrence, even rarer than the times she'll let him be on top for the sake of generosity (though her generosity tends to run out midway through and she ends up flipping him on his back). It didn't matter to Ryan. Not anymore, at least. Initially his virility felt insulted by her preferred sexual position, felt somehow demeaned as a man to have to be the bottom constantly.

But like every good American procrastinator of the male persuasion, he grew somehow (and secretly) fond of the position, which allowed him to still get great sex for only half the amount of effort.

Tonight, Valera was tired, and talking her into sex had been a struggle which involved a little big of begging, a little bit of rubbing, and a lot of chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream. And upon returning from the kitchen he found her still in bed, her eyes drifting close. He had to act quickly, and expecting her to do all the work was not very gentlemanly.

And so he found himself on top for the first time in God knows how long. He'd forgotten just how tiring it could be, especially because when Valera's exhausted it takes her forever and a day to get off and she had never been one to fake it (or so Ryan chose to believe fervently). Valera was tired and not doing much to encourage him, which was odd and disconcerting, but Ryan knew she'd eventually get into it, he just needed to put a little more effort into it, a tad more speed, a different angle...

And then he heard it. Just a little 'pop!'

But he was in the moment, Valera seemed to enjoy this new angle (judging by the way she began to bite his shoulder) and he was getting close. Nothing could get him to stop and investigate, especially random popping sounds during sex. It'd been strange, but he was a man, a man having sex, and so it entered and exited his mind in the span of .0385 seconds. Minutes later she came quietly and he came instantly and before he could roll off and catch his breath she was already drifting to sleep in a tangle of purple sheets.

He returned from washing off with a little ache in his pelvis and thought maybe he should be on top more often, just to keep in shape. He was sure he would talk to her about it in the morning, and he was also sure of what her response would be, but he put it out of his mind as he cuddled behind her and drifted off to sleep.

He woke to a dulling pain the next day.

Initially he figured it was all the pressure in his bladder from having to pee, but as his grogginess dissipated he felt the pain intensify. He felt... weird. Weird in a place where he wasn't supposed to feel weird. He shifted in place and frowned at the ceiling. A man knows his body. A man is very familiar with an area he spends a great fraction of his collective time on earth touching with his right hand.

Which he did now, but with entirely different intentions. His frown intensified. No morning wood. It was rare, but not impossible. And yet... the pain was getting worse and thus an attempt to get out of bed and run to the bathroom to investigate was futile.

He began to panic.

"Max?"

She was passed out next to him, her hair sprawled in all kinds of directions, exhausted beyond comprehension. Ryan reached over and tapped her shoulder.

"Maxine."

He was rewarded with a growl. "God, Jesus Christ, Ryan, I'm _tired_."

Ryan didn't recoil at her temper. "You need to... could you please look at something real quick?"

"What?"

"Could you just look at something?"

She sighed in annoyance and opened her eyes. "Ryan, it's my first day off in a week. I _need_ to sleep."

"Just..." he began again, feeling awkward and reluctantly scared. "Could you look at my penis for a second?"

She stared at him for a good minute before her face fell. "_What?_"

"Is it..." He sighed. "I feel... I'm in pain, okay, and I don't know what's wrong, I can't get up... could you please just look?"

It was his tone of voice and the scared look on his face that finally prompted her to forget about her exhaustion and kneel next to him. She became more concerned when an attempt to remove his boxers resulted in a lot of wincing and groaning, and when she stripped him she nearly gasped at the sight.

"Oh my God."

It wasn't something Ryan was excited to hear. "Oh my God... oh my God good or oh my God bad?"

Valera couldn't tear her eyes away from his groin; her hand covered her mouth and she frowned. "Ryan what the _hell_ did you do?"

His panic grew as he stared at the walls of the room, forced to imagine all sorts of awful things about what was going on down there. "Why... why, what is it?"

"Were you jerking off?"

"No! Why, what is it?"

She didn't know how to put it. She didn't even know how to describe it. Not with an iota of tact, anyway. "Your penis--"

"Is it okay?"

Valera grimaced. "It's okay if it's supposed to be 9 inches _thick_."

Ryan gaped. "What?"

"Which, despite your wildest fantasies, it's not."

He tried to sit up and see for himself, but that resulted in a blinding bolt of pain. Valera's eyes widened and her heart skipped a beat when she finally realized the amount of pain he was in. He attempted to look a second time but she pushed him back into bed. "Okay, we need to go to the hospital."

"What? No!"

"Ryan, your penis is the size of a bottle of chianti, and the same color, too. You need to see a doctor."

She began to look for her clothes and his clothes as he lay there, feeling like a freak. "Maybe... maybe I just slept on it wrong, okay? Maybe I'll just go to work and it'll fix itself."

"I don't think so," Valera said.

"But everyone will stare."

Valera turned to him and sighed. "They're doctors, Ryan, they're professionals. And... fine, maybe it's nothing, maybe you just happened to get stung by a bee. On your penis. While you slept. But it would really make me feel better if you came to the hospital with me, otherwise that thing is going to explode and I don't mean in a good way."

Ryan frowned. He stared at the ceiling some more, feeling the pain grow and though he didn't want to admit it, it was just as scared as her, if not more. He liked his penis. He cared about it. It was his little buddy, and his little buddy was in pain.

"Please, Ryan."

And then there was that tone that let him know she was _really_ concerned and Valera very rarely got serious like this. It worried him. What if he _really_ didn't sleep on it? What if it was something worse? What if his penis had contracted gangrene or the ebola? What if they came at him with a big giant needle?

He shuddered at the thought. He knew for a fact his little buddy didn't like needles. Hell, _he_ didn't like needles. A prick on the arm he could take, though. Prick for a prick? Hell no. _Hell no_.

"Ryan, _please_."

Now she sounded like she was crying and Ryan closed his eyes. Needles and intrepid doctors and sick people. He hated hospitals more than he hated anything else in the entire world. But there was Valera's tone and her face and images of his ill penis gracefully detaching itself from his body and landing on the floor like a brown leaf on a cold Autumn day.

He swallowed hard. "Okay."

---

There are a lot of things a man doesn't want to hear from his doctor. Including the words 'cancer' and 'aids', a, "Mr. Wolfe, it looks like you broke your penis," has got to be the absolute worst.

And so he sat in the little gurney wearing a ridiculous hospital gown, wearing a look of disbelief on his face and staring at the doctor with inexplicable ire.

"What?" Valera said next to him, shocked, holding his hand with a tad too much strength.

"That's," Ryan chuckled nervously, looking at the two people with little confidence. "That's gotta be wrong. It's wrong, you need to check again."

"Nope," the doctor said carelessly. "X-rays confirm. Your suspensory ligament is broken."

Valera's mouth opened slightly and she stared at the x-rays as if they were wounded puppies. "Oh my God."

"You didn't feel any pain at all?" the doctor asked, a hint of accusation in his tone.

Ryan stumbled on is words, embarrassed. "Just--I--we were just--"

"Having sex?" the doctor said. "Often it happens during sex."

"Yeah," Ryan said awkwardly. "I mean, I felt _some_ pain, but not a lot, just this morning."

"Well, it's rare, but it does happen," the doctor said. "We'll just get the OR ready and--"

"Whoa, whoa," Ryan said quickly and laughed nervously. "OR? As in, operating room?"

"It's a simple procedure."

Ryan frowned at him. "Is it... the _only_ procedure?"

"If we don't treat it surgically you could experience many complications, including deformity or erectile dysfunction. Considering... I would have the surgery."

Ryan looked at Valera. She stared at the doctor with a wounded look on her face and Ryan squeezed her hand. She looked at him and for unknown reasons she seemed even more upset about the whole thing than him, looked scared, even nauseous, but he didn't need to hear her say what she thought was best, under the circumstances.

"Don't worry, the risks are very low," the doctor reassured him.

"Five strangers in an operating room, touching my private area while I lay there unconscious," Ryan said thoughtfully.

The doctor smiled. "Sounds a lot like my intern years."

Ryan and Valera frowned at him.

"Surgeon joke," the doctor clarified and cleared his throat. "Don't worry, it's a very low risk procedure and you'll heal very quickly. The risks of not having the surgery far outweigh the risks of having it."

"They're not gonna accidentally cut it off, are they?" Valera said. "I watch Dateline, I know how common it is."

"Max," Ryan complained, chills running down his spine at the thought.

The doctor laughed. "I'll make a note of it on the chart, but you shouldn't worry."

Ryan frowned. Doctors _loved_ saying that. Don't worry. It's a simple procedure. Low risk. But he couldn't help it. He was naturally paranoid, way too cautious and easily intimidated when it came to matters of personal safety and hygiene. And this 'simple procedure' threatened his weaker points.

He should've known. Valera never said no to sex. He should've known something bad would happen when she turned him down. He should've listened to her and just gone to the bathroom for a little rendezvous with his hand and a dollop of conditioner. He wouldn't be in this predicament if he'd just listened to her.

"Ryan."

He looked at her, and the thought of never being able to have sex with Valera again... it was really the only thing he needed to consider before he folded cheaply.

Other things came to mind as well, mainly: everyone at work was going to have a field day with this. He only hoped his girlfriend had enough common sense to keep this to herself.

---

"Oh, my," Calleigh exclaimed the next day as she sat in the break room with Valera, who looked worried and disturbed still.

"You can't tell anybody about this."

"Of course not, sweetie," Calleigh said. "Is he okay?"

"Yeah. I mean, he's got pain medication, and I guess it'll heal," Valera sighed. "I just feel so bad."

"It's not your fault," Calleigh said sympathetically.

"My vagina broke his penis, Calleigh."

"You didn't break his penis, Valera, these things--"

"Just happen?" Valera said disbelievingly. "Exactly how many penises have _you_ broken?"

"It just so happens--"

"_Unintentionally_."

"Oh."

Valera sighed and buried her head in her hands as Calleigh rubbed her shoulder. "You should've seen him, poor baby, he was in so much pain."

"Who was in pain?"

The two women looked up to see Eric walk into the room. He headed towards the coffee machine and began to pour himself a cup of coffee, his back to them. Calleigh discreetly looked at Valera, who surprised her by sighing indignantly and rising, confessing, "I broke Ryan's penis."

Eric abruptly stopped what he was doing and looked at her, looked at Calleigh, returned his attention to Valera and nearly dropped his cup of coffee as he began to laugh hysterically.

"Eric, it's not funny!" Calleigh scolded him.

Valera sighed. "Doctor says he has to rest for a couple of days, and then we can't have sex until he heals completely," she explained. "What am I gonna do? I don't know what to say to him. I've never broken a penis before."

"Wait, wait," Eric said, trying to control his laughter. "His penis is broken, as in _actually_ broken?"

"It's not his penis per se, it's the suspensory ligament," Valera said. "And you can't tell anybody about this, Eric, I only told you because you're his friend and he needs some male support right now."

"Okay, okay," Eric sighed. His laughter stopped and he looked ahead thoughtfully before he looked at Valera again. A smile formed on his face. "Did he get a cast?"

"Eric!"

"And are we expected to sign it? Cause--"

"Okay, out!" Calleigh said, rising from her chair to push him out of the break room. She could hear his laughter still as he walked away from the break room but she ignored him and went back to Valera. "Don't worry, I'm sure he'll be fine."

"What if he's not?"

Calleigh sighed and rubbed her shoulder. "Valera."

"Calleigh, I _love_ his penis," Valera moaned.

Calleigh grimaced and stopped rubbing, but tried still to be supportive. "I know you do."

"This is like Rupert all over again," Valera said woefully.

Calleigh frowned. "God knows how much I don't want to ask this, but who's Rupert?"

Valera turned to her. "When I was four my dad brought this duckling home. He found it on the side of the road and I named him Rupert. He was the cutest thing in the world and I loved him so much... I loved him so much that in an attempt to show him my love I hugged him too tight and ended up asphyxiating him to death."

"Aw."

"And now, it's happened again. This is the same thing!" Valera said, thought of it for a moment and added, "Except... Ryan's penis doesn't quack, and my dad didn't find it on the side of the road... but the rest? Same thing."

"Valera, you didn't kill Rupert on purpose and you didn't break Ryan's penis. It was _just_ an unfortunate accident."

"I can't even dress sexy, or be near him cause if I turn him on it hurts."

"You said it yourself, it'll heal," Calleigh said. "One day you're both gonna look back on this and laugh."

Valera stood up morosely. "I guess," she sighed and walked out of the break room. Calleigh watched her leave, and continued to watch her through the day, worried, because normally Valera was impressionable enough to keep her personal problems out of the lab and concentrate on her work fully. Not today.

Calleigh watched outside the DNA lab as the young technician scribbled dully on a few pieces of paper, sighing sporadically, sometimes staring ahead morosely before she returned to work without an ounce of enthusiasm.

"Hey," Eric said behind her, looking at the same scene but failing to understand what had Calleigh so entranced. "Lunch?"

"Yeah," Calleigh sighed and together they made their way down the hallway as she proclaimed: "We need to go see him."

Eric stopped. "What? Calleigh, no. Trust me, he doesn't want to see anybody right now."

"He's our friend, Eric," Calleigh said. "And he's hurt. If this happened to you--"

"If it happened to me I would lie and tell everyone I have the flu, I wouldn't exactly broadcast it over the news."

Calleigh sighed. "Then maybe we should send him a card or something?"

Eric laughed. "Yeah. _Hey, dude, sorry your penis is broken. Hang in there..._"

"It's not funny, Eric."

Eric smirked. "Come on, Calleigh, it's a _little_ funny."

She gave him a serious look.

"Hang in there? And that one was just at the top of my head, I've got more on a piece of paper," he said cheekily, but her expression still didn't change. He sighed. "Come on, if it was me you'd all be laughing."

Calleigh shook her head and smiled. "Okay, maybe it's a _little_ funny."

"It's funny."

"But we should still do something."

"No we shouldn't."

"Eric."

"Calleigh, the man is probably embarrassed to death, the last thing he wants right now is the two of us marching into his apartment with flowers, crowding around his broken penis like it's a newborn baby," Eric said.

Calleigh sighed.

"He'll be fine," Eric continued. "He's got Valera."

--

She arrived home that night and found Ryan in bed still, watching television. He looked better, no longer pale and vulnerable. Valera leaned against the frame of the door and watched him, and it took him a while to figure out she was there.

"Hey, babe," he said with a goofy smile.

"How are you feeling?"

"Vicodin rocks!" Ryan replied enthusiastically.

Valera smiled and walked closer. "Wanna share?"

"Nope," he said. She climbed into bed next to him and he looked at her. She seemed... distant, maybe, weird. Like she was hiding something. Something important. And she was keeping her distance as well, no hello kiss, no hug, no touching... Ryan narrowed his eyes at her. "You told everyone, didn't you?"

"No, I didn't," she said defensively. He looked at her and she looked ahead, and quickly sighed guiltily. "Just Calleigh."

Ryan grimaced, but quickly figured it wasn't as bad as he'd expected. Calleigh was discreet and serious. She would never belittle him. "Okay--that's... at least Calleigh won't laugh at me, like--"

"And Eric."

"Aw, Max!" Ryan complained, trying to sit up but wincing in pain instead.

Valera reached for him but quickly didn't know what to do to make the pain go away. He moaned and her heart skipped a few beats. "I'm sorry, I thought you'd want him to know."

"Why would I want that?" Ryan said through clenched teeth.

"He's got a penis, too," Valera said. "I mean I thought you both might, I don't know, talk about it?"

Ryan looked at her. "Talk about it?"

"I do that with Calleigh, you know?" Valera explained. "If my boobs are sore or I feel weird, my period's crazy... we talk about those things."

"Guys don't do that, Max," Ryan said. "We don't whip and discuss, we just lie about how great and big everything is and that's all we need to know about each other."

"I'm sorry."

Ryan sighed and lay back, his eyes closed. "How loud was the laughter?"

Valera winced. "You might want to take another Vicodin."

"Excellent." He knew he probably shouldn't, but he reached for another pill anyway and drowned it down with water. He cold hear the laughter in his head, could see Eric pointing at his cock and laughing like a schoolboy, and Ryan felt like killing himself. He was going to have to switch jobs. There was no way he'd be able to face Eric anymore. His career as a CSI in Miami was over.

"I'm sorry, I just--I really needed to talk to somebody about it," Valera said.

He opened his eyes and looked at her. She really had that puppy dog look down pat and he sighed. "It's okay."

"He won't tell anyone, Eric's not a gossip," Valera said.

"Believe it or not the gossip is the least of my concerns," Ryan said.

"Calleigh says in a few years we'll look back on this and laugh," Valera said sheepishly.

"Has Calleigh ever broken her penis?"

Valera frowned. "Calleigh doesn't have a penis."

"Well, when Calleigh breaks her penis we'll see."

Valera sighed, lay back and watched him out of the corner of her eye. His eyes were closed and she knew the Vicodin was taking its effect, and that in a few minutes he'd be high as a kite and probably forget everything that'd happened in the last day. Hard to believe just two days ago he'd been happy and healthy, and now..

Now he was lying there useless, an incoherent, drugged out blob. The best thing that's ever happened to her, and she went and broke him. Typical. Her Barbies? Their heads shaved. Her My Little Ponies? Their bodies scribbled on with black markers. Her duckling? Asphyxiated to death. Her boyfriend? His penis broken. Her mother had been right. Valera could never have nice things.

"Hey," she said softly and he moaned. "I'm gonna go? Okay? I'm gonna go get you some pizza or something, alright?"

Ryan smiled. "Pizza."

"Yeah," she said. "I'll see you in a bit."

"Kay, bye," Ryan said, and if he hadn't been so baked he would've realized she never did come back. He got a phone call from work the next day, but was so preoccupied with his own health he didn't put too much importance on the fact that she didn't come over that night, either.

--

It was ten in the morning, two days after the accident (or the flu, as he liked to call it) and Ryan stood outside the layout room looking in.

Eric was inside, working on a piece of evidence, a bloody shirt that had been collected at the crime scene of their latest case. Ryan sighed, wondering how on earth he was going to go in there and pretend like nothing happened. But maybe if he downplayed it, if he didn't mention it... maybe Eric didn't know he knew that Eric knew. Maybe if he just stayed quiet and talked solely about the case, the older CSI might just forget about it and neither of them would ever, ever mention it.

With this delusion he walked in, grabbed a pair of gloves from the counter and as he put them on he looked down at the piece of evidence with too much interest. Eric looked at him. The younger CSI sighed and stared at the bloody shirt, and Eric didn't know what the hell was going through his mind, or if Ryan even knew that Eric knew, but the moment was awkward and stifling and if the elephant in the room grew any bigger they would both be knee deep in crap.

"What do we have here?" Ryan said, all professionalism.

Eric bit the inside of his cheek. He tried to go along, talk about the shirt, talk Ryan through the case, but the seconds trickled by and he felt like he was about to explode.

He tried, he really did, but eventually couldn't take it any longer and took a deep breath before he turned to Ryan. "How the _hell_ do you break your penis?"

Ryan rolled his eyes. "Shut up, Delko," he sneered.

"I mean, I have done things with my penis that have gone above and beyond anything that could be considered safe or natural, but I've never broken the fucking thing," Eric continued, his tone a mix of shock and disbelief.

"Just--"

"I mean, Jesus, man, what were you trying to do, fold it into an origami figure?"

Ryan turned to him defensively. "It happens to be a lot more common than you think," he said. "And why are you scolding me?"

"Because I've taught you better than this," Eric said boldly. "Do you listen? No. You go out there, all eager and wide-eyed, and end up with a broken penis."

"The doctor said it could happen to anyone!" Ryan said defiantly.

Eric shook his head.

"Anyway," Ryan said uncomfortably. "It just... it feels a little... odd."

"Your broken penis?" Eric deadpanned.

"It's on the mend," Ryan explained. "But it's just kinda... wobbly."

Eric didn't know whether to laugh or groan, but opted for the latter. There are causes men should blindly support and a friend's broken penis is right there at the top of the list. God knows he didn't want to deal with the effects of karma.

"Did you talk to your doctor?"

"He says the damage isn't that severe, and that I'll be able to have sex soon, but it's just... I don't know."

Eric grimaced. "Well, it's only been a few days."

"Yeah," Ryan said absentmindedly and turned to Eric again. "Could you look at it?"

Eric jumped in place. "What?!"

"Come on, man!"

"Ryan, we're friends, that means I would drive your ass home after a drunken night in town, I would even help you out of your shoes. It does _not_ mean I'd eagerly get down on my knees and inspect your broken penis just because you think it's 'wobbly'."

"Girls do that, you know," Ryan insisted. "They talk about these things."

Eric frowned. "So you're saying we should get naked right now and flail our dicks about like a couple of high school girls?"

Ryan sighed. "I don't know. Valera thought it would be a good idea to talk about it, apparently when her boobs feel weird she's not shy about showing Calleigh."

"Really?" Eric said, suddenly intrigued. Calleigh touching Valera's naked chest? How often did that happen? Why didn't he know about it?! Quickly he got a very nice picture of it in his mind and he smiled.

Ryan immediately figured out what was going on through Eric's head and frowned. "Stop that!"

"Sorry," Eric said, shaking his head. "Anyway, you should talk to Valera, she's freaking out about the whole thing."

Ryan looked up. "She is?"

"I don't know, Calleigh said she's been worried, she thinks she broke your penis... she's been acting really weird. Weirder than usual. I don't know, you talk to her."

Ryan thought about it. True, Valera had been acting a little odd, but he thought it was normal under the circumstances. He didn't know what the proper reaction was to a broken penis, but now that he thought about it, maybe she _had_ been acting a little strange. Stranger than usual.

So after work, he drove to her apartment building and felt weird knocking on her door. Most days he forgot Valera still had a home of her own, as she spent most nights in his apartment, had most of her things there. Often he thought about asking her to move in with him, but at 6 months he thought their relationship remained relatively fresh, and he didn't want to ruin things by being too eager.

She opened the door and looked at him with an amount of uncertainty he didn't like, her body hiding behind the door. He wondered why he didn't notice it the previous days.

"You slept here last night," he said dully.

"I live here."

Point taken.

"Eric says you've been acting weird."

Valera rolled her eyes. "Eric's a dumbass."

"What's going on, Max?"

"You believe him?"

"Well, you left work yesterday and came straight here... you didn't call me, that's not normal," he said. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen much of you lately; considering we work together, that's _definitely_ not normal."

"I thought you'd want some space," she said.

Ryan narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Can I come in?

She let him in, all the while looking down at his groin but trying not to. It was like a horrible car accident. She closed the door and leaned into it and Ryan turned to her, but Valera was reluctant to look at him. She just stood there and braced herself for the blow.

"You realize this was just an accident, right?"

She looked at him and breathed a sigh of relief when she realized he wasn't pissed. "Of course I do," she said with conviction. "It's not that, Ryan."

"So what is it?"

"I don't know."

"Yeah you do, don't do that, you're not that girl."

Valera sighed. God, she hated this. She hated to be confronted. She hated talking about stupid things like her fucked up brain. She just wanted things to be normal again. "When Nick--"

"Oh, Max," Ryan complained.

"I know that wasn't my fault, I know, okay?" she said. Walking away from the door, she threw herself on her couch. "Look, I don't know. I don't know what it is, it's just... it just scared me, and I didn't like the fact that I hurt you."

Ryan softened up a little. He didn't know this would affect her this much. Valera didn't freak out, ever. "You didn't hurt me, and I'm fine."

"I know," she said. "But first you get a nail in your eye, then you break your penis... you're really prone to weird accidents, did you know that? I mean, I'm scared next time you're gonna trip over a can of soda and jam a toe into your brain."

"That's not gonna happen," Ryan said. He walked over and sat down next to her. "Is that it? You're just scared of me being hurt?"

Valera rolled her eyes. "You don't have to make it sound like I worship you."

Ryan shrugged his shoulder. "Well, there's worrying, and then there's... whatever it is you just did. I mean, I worry that my socks keep disappearing at the laundromat, I don't freak out about it."

"Probably because you can buy new socks," she said.

Ryan looked at her, and after a moment of realization he grinned foolishly. "You don't wanna lose me!"

Valera sighed in annoyance and looked straight down. God, she hated him so much. "You're an arrogant asshole, Ryan," she said. His celebratory grin didn't diminish and finally she sighed somewhat in dread. "I don't know. I guess I kinda love you," she mumbled lamely and quickly scoffed at herself. "Ugh."

Ryan looked and her and smiled. "You do?"

Valera sighed and rolled her eyes. "If you must know, yes, I do. _Kinda_."

"Wow," Ryan said. "That's... that's pretty big."

"No it's not," Valera said quickly. "Look, I love you. That doesn't mean I wanna marry you or have kids with you. That doesn't mean we're going to spend the rest of our lives together in bliss... I _just_ love you."

"Okay," Ryan said, growing confused.

"That's it, no need to make a big deal about it," she added definitively, throwing him off by raising from the couch and heading to the kitchen, where she buried her face in the refrigerator.

Ryan watched her and nodded. "It's actually your overwhelming sense of romanticism that attracted me to you in the first place," he said sarcastically.

Valera resurfaced with a bottle of water. "Look, the longest relationship I've been in lasted four months, and it all took place online."

"Okay."

"So... we've been together for six months and that freaks me out," Valera said. "And then I go and break your penis. That's not good hoodoo."

Ryan sighed. "So the alternative is what? Breaking up? So I can tell people the girl who broke my penis also broke my heart?"

Valera grimaced. "Oh, God, don't do that. Don't say stupid corny shit like that."

Ryan smirked. "Okay."

"I'm not saying that, I'm saying... I don't wanna make a big deal about it."

Ryan stood up and headed to the kitchen. "Well, falling in love is a big deal for me," he said. "It's kinda the best thing that's happened to me since I was born, and I don't think it's stupid."

"I don't think it's stupid, either, I just... I don't wanna jinx it," she explained.

Ryan sighed and leaned against the counter. "You know, I always thought I'd tell you I love you over a romantic candlelight dinner, maybe a violinist playing in the background," he said. "I should've known it wouldn't be that easy with you."

Valera frowned. "You wanted to bring a violinist to the house?"

"What? No--"

"You could just pop a CD," she added, indicating her stereo.

"That's not the--" Ryan sighed again and shook his head. "Look, the point is I love you too."

Valera raised her eyebrows and looked at him. "Oh."

"And I wanted to tell you--I wanted it to be special," he explained.

Valera smiled. "Well, it is."

"No it's not," Ryan said. "This isn't... I've never had a girl call me an asshole and tell me she loves me in the span of one sentence. I really think that's not normal," he said and sighed. "This is the most bizarre relationship of my life."

Valera shrugged her shoulders. "Well, at least it's not boring."

"Oh, it's never boring," Ryan said.

"Wait till you meet my family."

Ryan chuckled. He looked at her and as she took a sip of water she smiled and he thought he might have a heart attack right there. How could he be in love with this _insane_ woman? How the hell did he end up in this insanely bizarre relationship? A year ago she was just Valera, the cooky DNA analyst, and now she was the woman who thought falling in love with him had been the worst idea she'd ever had. And yet... if it weren't for the fact that his dick was uselessly hanging off his pelvis like a piece of cured meat, he'd had taken her right there on the kitchen counter.

"So, can I kiss you now? Cause I haven't done that in days and I really miss it," he said suggestively.

Valera hesitated. "The doctor said I can't get you excited."

"It's okay," Ryan said. "I've got my Vicodin."

"Well--" she couldn't finish the thought because he was right there, lips smashed against lips and though she could still hear the doctor's voice on the back of her mind, it quickly drifted off somewhere farther and Ryan's tongue tasted sweet and his hands depicted his frustration as they scanned her body with more delicacy than usual.

"Say it."

"What?"

"Say you love me," he said.

"I already said it.

"Say it nicely this time."

Valera sighed. "Okay, I love you."

He smiled again and kissed her softly this time, trying to contain his excitement. He pressed her up against the counter and while Valera quickly felt that growing beat between her legs she could hear the alarm bells ringing louder and louder.

Sure enough, only seconds went by before his right hand clenched over her butt cheek and he moaned loudly, too much pleasure but even more pain. Valera realized it quickly and pushed him back. "Okay, no more excitement for you."

"Dammit," he sighed, wincing through the pain and wanting to curse and beat the shit out of something and possibly kill someone if it meant he could have the full use of his dick back at this moment.

"Sorry, buddy."

He sighed, realizing quickly that he'd be back to normal in a few weeks. He just needed to convince Valera to uglify herself in the meantime, if that was possible.

"Let's just watch a movie," she suggested.

Ryan sighed again. "This is what it's going to be like when we're 80 and you're still hot and I'm beyond the help of Viagra."

Valera gave him a look, weary and serious. "Jinx."

He grinned. "Sorry, babe. I have a 'you break it, you buy it' policy."

Valera rolled her eyes. "That'll teach me to buy cheap."

"Oooh." Ryan grimaced. "Okay, that was a low blow." She looked at him and raised her eyebrows. he shook his head and followed her to the living room. "Maybe I'll just shut up now."

"Yeah."

The End


End file.
